ITA Blog #13- Do you remeber 'Before'?

Before
do you remember how it was before?
I kind of do. I think.
I'm not so sure though.
Sometimes  I remember that I used to just say, 'mom going out, I'll be back for dinner, love you'.
It seems like a whole other world.

Do you remember what you felt before? which one where the things you paid attention to? What made you feel upset or mad or angry? Did you feel overwhelmed because of anything? What was it? What did you think about it? What did you pay attention to?
I do remember this.
I remember feeling often overwhelmed by life: what will I do next? Will I pass this exam? Did I study enough? will he ask that stupid paragraph at page 435? Do I know enough? Am I good enough? Do my friends really like me or do they just pretend? Do they hand out with me because I'm in the group chat now and it's not like they can kick me out or just not invite me?
I remember  I often felt lost and afraid.

But then? Then this happened.
And for me, as for many of you, put everything into perspective.
Life suddenly slowed down.

No more work, school, meetings.
Or at least no more going to work or to school or to meetings.
No more going out.

Only then we started thinking about what we had before.

We had friends and loved ones and we could just go out of the house and visit them. We could spend time with them. We could go to the movies or to the bar and get a bear.
We could walk around our town. We could hug.

We could get some fresh air after a long day, walking in a park or near the beach. We could plan our vacation and look forward to our next adventure.

We had so much, freedom and opportunities.
And we didn't know we had it.

We didn't even know we could lose it.

Now we do. Now we regret: getting mad over that thing or not going out with our parents for a walk because we wanted to see the latest episode of our tv series.

Now we are standing still. We are waiting.
We don't know what will happen.
We feel powerless, lost, out of control. And not because of an exam or school or the future. But of life: we don't know how life will be.

 

Now we are observing: listening, looking, feeling, tasting. We were forced to stop. And now we are paying attention to all those small things. The ones we lost, the ones we still have.
We're cherishing the little moments, grabbing the new opportunities, forcing ourselves to seek the day and to look for the good in the bad.

We're making a CHOICE. Every day. To change our priorities and start again. To think about what really matters and to focus on how we feel and how others feel and how we can be better together.

And I think that, when all of this is over because it will eventually be over, this is what we should keep.

The power of choosing what to think about and what meaning we give to what happens to us. We should start being more AWARE of all the things that we do unconsciously, automatically. Every day. And we should start to notice again those things, to be PRESENT while experiencing them. Because they are important. Because they are part of who we are and what we do.

Because now that we don't have them any more there's nothing we miss more than a hug, the smell of the other person next to yours, the feeling of being safe and protected, the feeling that everything will be ok. There's nothing we miss more than the fresh air on your face when you're baking to school at 7 am, and you're late and tired and free.

Because we only have one life, and we should have total control over what we do and how we experience it. On our thoughts and actions. We should be present for it all.

Thank you for staying with me today,
A virtual hug to you all,

Fennec Fox

P.S. How can I help?

In this moment of international emergency, there's a lot you can do: if you want to help concretely you can look for volunteering opportunities in your area or for hospitals or other centers that need fundings...any action is a step towards recovery, a step towards hugging each other again.

You can start being more present and aware of your actions, feelings, and everyday life: if you start working on yourself now, you can come out of this a better person.

For some inspirational speeches on this topic, I'll suggest you check out these links:

'This is water' David Foster Wallace speech 

How to deal with boredom?- Nathaniel Drew 

Mental clarity newsletter, Nathaniel Drew 

Trapped in Paris,alone- Nathaniel Drew 

 

ITA Blog#12: Today it smells like Freedom

Today it smells like freedom.

Don't get me wrong we're still in lockdown, we can't go anywhere. 

But this morning, when I opened my window to change the air in my room, there was something different in the air. 

No smog, no smell of bars or shops opening, no noise of busy cars...I mean ours was always a quiet neighborhood, but still, there was something...something new...

It smelled like the air at the beach house in the winter, or in an early morning summer day. Yes, it smelled like a summer morning, 6 am, you went to bed at 5 am because you were partying with your friends last night, but you set an alarm clock to go see the sunrise. 

So at 6 am the clock goes on, you manage to get some shoes, put a sweater on, grab the keys and you are out of the house. As soon as you step out the chilly air surrounds you, it's like a gentle 'wake up'....you look at your phone is 6:15, dammit! You look at your friend (just a look, cause you're still too tired to talk) and you start running (or you would miss the sunrise), you run through the sleeping city, the air gets faster and faster and your muscles hurt because they haven't woken up yet. 

You see an old lady riding her bike to the beach, this early so 'there is no crowed and the sun doesn't burn', you slow down so you don't disturb her morning. Then you keep running, you turn around and your friends are there running with you, smiling and laughing and the breeze brings you those sounds like they were new sounds and you feel so lucky all over again to have them in your life.

You cross the street and you arrive in the pinewood (between the town and the beach on the eastern coast of Italy we usually have pinewoods, planted in Roman times) and the smells change again: now it smells like trees and flowers and leaves and old wood...it smells like wildness and animals and nature... you keep running (slower otherwise the pine needles will hurt you through the flip flops you have on). 

You pass a guy jogging and a woman dressed up for work with her dog, then you see a tired mom with a stroller and a kid who isn't letting her sleep. 

And then....it's there. A new stronger wind salutes you: it's not annoying or too cold, it's just a strong confident wing, which brings you the smells of the sea. 

You are finally out of the trees and you see the see in the distance and the sun, who's trying to come out, you can already see a few of its rays stemming from the water. You rush to the beach, through the bar and kids play area, and you finally get there. 

You sit down on the cold and humid sand, you're still in your pajamas and the smells of your bed, the pinewood, and the sea all melt together. The salty air surrounds you as you keep following with your tired gaze the journaling of the sun...it detaches from the water and it keeps going higher and higher up....now your eyes hurt if you try to watch it, so you move away and you turn down to the sea...

 

You see a golden river running in the middle of the water, a gentle caress of the sun to the motherland, a 'Good morning' to the rivers, the seas, the lakes, a 'Thank you' for their daily work of lifting him up.

And you stay there, still half asleep, watching the mesmerizing movements of reflections on the watery surface.

You can feel your friends all around you, all astonished by the same magic, all looking at the same miracle, all embedded in the same moment...

And you just feel peaceful and quiet and...

A seagull moves his wings and sends you a new wave of air in your direction, you close your eyes and take it all in....and you understand that that air tastes like history, like the people who witnessed this miracle before you and the thousands of hundreds of people who will witness it after you...

Yes, the air smells like freedom today. 

Fennec Fox

P.S. Thank you soo much for riding, I just felt like sharing this little image I got in mind this morning as I opened the window, since most of us are stuck at home, it was a friendly reminder that we can still travel through time and space with our memories. 

Have a great day and stay safe <3

ITA Blog #11- Dreaming in the times of COVID-19

Good morning everyone, how are you?

Here in Italy is noon and I’m making lunch for my family. My mom is working at her desk in the attic (‘smart working’ as they call it now: working from home, as you were in the office); my dad is studying and working at his desk near hers; my sister is in her room following online classes. I was studying as well, but I finished early, so today’s my day to prepare lunch for the family.

Is weird to have everyone home during a weekday. It is even weirder since it’s not summer nor a holiday period, it is the spring semester and we are all home. This is our new normal.

It has perks: we get to eat together every day and we get to spend more quality time together; but of course, it’s a very hard and difficult situation for everyone. 

It’s not an easy time to be alive. It’s not an easy time to grow up and find your way. Not an easy time to decide what to do and to keep dreaming.

Many people in this weeks are writing to me, from all over-people I met during my USA experience at Ellicott City (MD); people I met in my more recent Erasmus program in Budapest (Hungary); people from other regions of Italy, that I met during seminars, boy-scout events or university activities- they are all asking the same questions: how are you doing? How is your family? Are you ok? How are you holding on? Do you need help? We should talk soon, keep in touch, let’s do a videocall soon, etc.

Well, for those of you who haven’t asked yet, I am fine. My family and I are doing ok. I’m taking life day by day, trying to enjoy each little thing. 

But to tell you the truth there is more. When I learned we were going to stay home for a long time I was terrified. Not because I hate my parents (which I don’t, even if we argue sometimes), or because I can’t stand to stay with my little sister (which I love and with which I never spend enough time), or because I was scared of having to stay inside ALL the time (which I am, but we have a pretty big house and a small garden, so I’ll be fine).

I was scared of me, of my anxiety. I worked very hard to find ways to cope with it, to leave with it. And now, everything is upside down all over again. My entire world has shifted and I have to re-learn how to stay with myself. How to fell useful, how to stay positive and healthy. 

What did I do? How do I keep going, day-by-day? Which are the new strategies I found to cope with this new ‘restricted’ situation?

Well, here they are (I am not an expert by any means, this are just things that worked for me and really helped me through this hard time, so I’m sharing them with you because they might help you and your loved ones too):

1)ACCEPTANCE

We have to accept the situation. 

We have to accept the fact that there is an emergency situation (COVID-19 a new virus, for which we don’t have a cure/vaccine yet, is spreading really fast, hurting our health care systems, and even killing people), so we have to follow the instruction given by the official national (and international) organs. 

We have to wash our hands often, to maintain the distance, to avoid going out if we’re sick/not feeling well or (if you are in Italy, or other areas of lockdown) we have to STAY at HOME. 

I know it’s not easy for everyone. We are lucky: we are four adults living in a pretty big house, in which we all have our spaces (so we don’t have to ‘stay together’ all the time) and we even have a tiny garden in which we can go to recharge and get some fresh air.

 But not everyone is in this situation: some people have small apartments, maybe with no terrace/balcony; some people got ‘stuck’ in their school/university dormitory and they are miles away from their family and loved ones; some people have kids at home and they have to find ways to keep them busy and entertained and to explain to them why they can’t go to the park; some people have old-parents (or grandparents) in special medical centers that take care of them and now (for their safety) they can’t go visit them anymore. 

It’s hard, I know. But it’s necessary. 

If we want the situation to get better, if we want the virus to stop spreading (or at least to spread slower). If we want to be able to cure everyone, to have resources for everyone. If we don’t want to reach a ‘like-war’ situation in which doctors (and all the hospital personnel) have to choose who to save based on the chances he/she has to survive.

If we want to be able to go back out again, we need to follow the rules. Do it for you, do it for the people you love, do it for the people I love and you don’t know, but might die because of your recklessness. 

With this I’m not saying that you can’t go out of the house for important/necessary reasons (like buying grocery, going to work and going to the pharmacy), but I’m saying that is important not to look for loopholes, for ways to avoid the restrictions to go out as much as possible. If you have to go grocery shopping send one person in the family, possibly once a week. Not two people every few days, just to take a walk or go out of the house. I know it’s hard, I know it’s difficult. But people are dying and hospitals are getting full, so it’s important that we each do our part.

2) KEEP DREAMING and THINKING about the FUTURE

The situation is serious (and has to be taken seriously, see point 1), and scary. 

But this doesn’t mean that we should panic. If we follow the rules, if we do our part, the hospitals will do theirs. The experts will keep looking for a cure and the doctors will do the best they can to treat those with the virus now. 

And everything will be ok, and there will be a beautiful tomorrow to look forward. 

So, instead of panicking or giving up. Instead of fulling around all day doing nothing or just wasting time. 

Let’s see this as an OPPORTUNITY. We’re stuck in our houses for some weeks (maybe more): great! Let’s use our time for ourselves-to invest in our formation/learning; to get some rest; to start exercising following online classes (or doing some exercises we already know: you don’t need the gym, just a mattress and some determination); to become the better you.

This is the time to do all the things you always wanted to do. Remember? When you were at work every day, all day, thinking/dreaming about all the things you could once at home? Wishing you had more time to spend with your loved ones?

Well now it’s the time.

-To play more with your kids, to read them all the bedtime (or day-time) stories you didn’t have time (or you were too tired) to read them, to do board games together, to listen to them-to what they are doing in (online) school, to what are their dreams (it’s never too early or too late to talk about those).

-To learn a new skill: a new language you always wanted to learn, to cook or to work in the garden, draw, etc. There are so many resources online that can help you in your learning journey and you might even find those classes more entertaining and complete than those in real life. Or maybe you have your teacher right there with you: your mom can finally teach you the family recipe or your teenage son can explain to you all the mysteries of the internet.

-To finish to read that book you bought at 6 am in London, because you were too awake to sleep and you had an early flight home, the book you forgot on the shelf when you got back home to your real life. To finally watch the movie that won the Oscars in 2017 and everyone said it was amazing. To listen to that audiobook to finish that paper you were writing. To finish (or start) that tv series everyone suggested. To complete all of those personal projects that you love, but that you always have to put on hold for ‘more important’ ‘real-life’ things. 

-To start working on yourself. Take this time for YOU, to grow as a person, to become more patient and loving with yourself. To judge less and try harder to become the person you want to be. 

As I said, this situation will end (hopefully before you know it) and then? What will happen then?? Will you be ready to start again your everyday life? Will you be ready to keep going forward, instead of going back?? 

 This time is an incredible opportunity to work on yourself: to gain the skill, the knowledge, the cooping tools to become a better person. A better you. Don’t stop dreaming just because you’re in an emergency situation. Dreams are what keep us alive. Of course, we have to stay grounded in reality (see point 1), but we can ALSO keep dreaming and keep working towards our dreams. 

I tried to take this time to find online courses, webinars, all sorts of material that will make me a better person, which will teach me some skills and competencies that will make the difference in my life: today and tomorrow. 

I am trying not to waste this.

 I am trying to make everyone's effort to keep the country safe and alive worth it. I am trying to find a way to come back STRONGER than before, to have the tools to make my country start over, and get better faster. I am trying to find a way to move forward.

Thank you for staying with me today,

Always do the best you can and help one another,

See you soon,

Fennec Fox

P.S. How can I help??

1)You can help yourself and your loved ones by STAYING at HOME (as much as possible) and follow the instructions given by the official communication channels (of your gov’t or of the W.H.O.)

2) You can help yourself and your community by NOT panicking but understanding the gravity of the situation and deciding to do your part, for everyone.

3) You can help yourself by taking this time to invest in you and become a better person you can be/the person you would like to be/ the person your gov’t will need after this emergency, after this economic arrest.

4) You can help others (if you have any type of knowledge or skills) by sharing knowledge and information about your profession with others, so they can learn more and walk towards their dreams or towards a better more balanced life-style.

5) Just don’t judge yourself or others and try to OBSERVE your actions objectively to improve in the future.

P.P.S. I will now suggest a few books of material I am using in these days to learn more and work on me

BOOKS:

-‘L’alchimista’, Paolo Coelho

-‘Wild’, Cheryl Strayed

-‘Off the road’, Jack hit

-‘Wonder’ R.J. Palacio

- ‘Siddharta’, Harman Hesse

-‘Eat, Pray, love’, Elizabeth Gilbert

-‘Miss you’, Kate Eberlen

-The sun and her flowers’, Rupi Kaur

And I could keep going but I don’t want to make the list too long

WEBINARS and ONLINE MATERIALS:

-Andra Acconcia and Giuseppe Moriello --> their project and mission is something that can really change your life and your way of seeing things- so go check out their books, project, etc. [ONLY Italian]

-TED talks on youtube (you can find some great information and insights from all sorts of people)

-Masterclass-->  online platform in which you can learn from the best (actors, chefs, managers, etc.) [you have to pay a monthly fee for free access to the platform]

Note: I am just suggesting these materials because they are helping me through these hard times, I am not receiving any type of reward for suggesting you these books (not an advertisement)

Dear Anxiety, I am still standing

Dear Anxiety,

it has been a while since you've decided to be by my side in my journey through life, I thought it was about time that I actually talked to you. It's not like I haven't acknowledged your presence before...But I definitely have never spoken directly to you.

Anyway, here we are...so

'Hello'

You know you I am, I suppose and I know who you are (kind of). So I think I'll start off with our relationship. You've always been in my life, you're in everyone life, but at the beginning, you were just your normal self...you were the butterflies in my stomach when I saw a cute guy, the void in my belly before an important test or exam, the excitement and fear before stepping on stage or the sleepless night before a new trip. You were the look on my parents' faces when I disappointed them, the worry I felt when I knew I had done something wrong. You were there when I had too many things to do and too little time or when I felt that I was losing control over things. 

Back then, however, you were just a moment, just a second, just a day. And then it all got better, and then I was just me again. I was safe and happy. And everything was going to be ok. You were a good thing, you warned me when something was important and I had to pay attention or give my all. You were....a friend if I'm allowed to say that. 

What I didn't understand is that you spot people. You spot people that are weak or when they are weak and you enter into action: you get into their brains and you make them believe all sorts of things....like the fact they'll never make it, they'll never be good enough, they have never been good enough, it was all a lie, are they even worth loving? should they even be alive? 

I realized that you spotted me. Alone. Crying for no reason in my room. Scared. 

And you saw an opportunity. And you grabbed it. 

And it was then that I started to have the thoughts...and I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to stop them. I didn't know if they were mine or not. I didn't know if they were true.

Since then, you've always been by my side, always looking for the good time to strike, for the ways in which you could make me suffer.

At the beginning I hated you. I didn't want you to be there, I wanted you to go. I wanted things to go back to normal. 

Over time I realized that things never will. Because you will never leave. You'll be just a whisper in the good days, a bad thought in the back of my mind I can through away; and then you'll be a black hole in the bad days, hugging me with your deadly arms and swallowing me inside the darkness. 

You will not go away.

So after hate and denial and running away, it came fighting. If I couldn't make you go away, I could at least try to fight you, defeat you, destroy you. I tried every method... yoga, meditation, breathing, not getting into bad situations, closing myself in my room to avoid arguments, listing what could go wrong in situations so I could be prepared for it....

But nothing really worked. I mean it worked at the moment, it worked for a while...but then when I couldn't control things when something suddenly came up that I didn't foresee...I shattered into a thousand pieces all over again.

I lost my battle, again.

It was then when I was getting better, but I didn't quite find a way to live life and have fun without the fear of you ruining the party, that I took a risk. I gambled. 

Since I came back from the USA I always knew I wanted to go on Erasmus (exchange program sponsored by the EU for college students of Member States). But then you came along and everything got complicated so I didn't know if going was the right thing...but then a friend of mine told me 'What if this helps you? What if you get better?'

It had been a while since I thought about the best possible scenario, instead of the worst. And those words hit me like they really reached inside of me, the arrived where even you will never get...into my heart. 

This is how the best four months of my life started, this past Semester has been amazing, and it looked like I finally got rid of you. I was finally able to dream and move on, and think about the future, instead of concentrating on how to get out of bed in the morning. 

Then bad things happened, not bad bad things, just unexpected things. And….here we go again: you were there stronger than ever, more powerful than ever. And it was then that I realized what the Erasmus really taught me. What the exchange in the USA had tried to teach me, but I was not ready to learn it. 

You will not go away. 

Even in the perfect life of perfectly happy and normal people, you’re always there. And you will strike when people are weak and lonely and when they need help. You will crash them, destroy them, you will tell them exactly all the things you know will hurt them. 

And you will be able to do this because you feed on their fears, their insecurities, their worries. You feed on mine too. 

This is why in Erasmus it was better because I always did something in my day: I cooked for my self, I went to class, I met new amazing and inspiring people from all over the world, I explored a new part of the city and I learned a new word in Hungarian. And on the weekends? I traveled, I have been to 4 countries while here…it has been an amazing journey. 

And my life will be too. 

Yes, you’ll be there, every step of the way, but I’ll be there too: the silly, interesting, caring, generous person I know I am. I will be there. And I will do my best to outnumber you. And I will do my best to be there also in the calm, quiet and relaxing days, the days in which I don’t feel like doing much, the days in which you tell me I am not ‘useful’. I’ll do my best to be there in the bad days when something goes wrong or there is an emergency and I have to step in and do my best to survive through the day. 

I will have bad days, you’ll make sure of it. But, I promise you, I will always have amazingly great days too. And this, this is what you will never be able to take away from me.

I hope my letter finds you well and I wish you a very good day and I know you’ve been busy during the holidays, so If you want to take a vacation you can go, we’ll be fine here.

We’ll be just fine.

Sincerely,

Ari