ITA Blog #13- Do you remeber 'Before'?

Before
do you remember how it was before?
I kind of do. I think.
I'm not so sure though.
Sometimes  I remember that I used to just say, 'mom going out, I'll be back for dinner, love you'.
It seems like a whole other world.

Do you remember what you felt before? which one where the things you paid attention to? What made you feel upset or mad or angry? Did you feel overwhelmed because of anything? What was it? What did you think about it? What did you pay attention to?
I do remember this.
I remember feeling often overwhelmed by life: what will I do next? Will I pass this exam? Did I study enough? will he ask that stupid paragraph at page 435? Do I know enough? Am I good enough? Do my friends really like me or do they just pretend? Do they hand out with me because I'm in the group chat now and it's not like they can kick me out or just not invite me?
I remember  I often felt lost and afraid.

But then? Then this happened.
And for me, as for many of you, put everything into perspective.
Life suddenly slowed down.

No more work, school, meetings.
Or at least no more going to work or to school or to meetings.
No more going out.

Only then we started thinking about what we had before.

We had friends and loved ones and we could just go out of the house and visit them. We could spend time with them. We could go to the movies or to the bar and get a bear.
We could walk around our town. We could hug.

We could get some fresh air after a long day, walking in a park or near the beach. We could plan our vacation and look forward to our next adventure.

We had so much, freedom and opportunities.
And we didn't know we had it.

We didn't even know we could lose it.

Now we do. Now we regret: getting mad over that thing or not going out with our parents for a walk because we wanted to see the latest episode of our tv series.

Now we are standing still. We are waiting.
We don't know what will happen.
We feel powerless, lost, out of control. And not because of an exam or school or the future. But of life: we don't know how life will be.

 

Now we are observing: listening, looking, feeling, tasting. We were forced to stop. And now we are paying attention to all those small things. The ones we lost, the ones we still have.
We're cherishing the little moments, grabbing the new opportunities, forcing ourselves to seek the day and to look for the good in the bad.

We're making a CHOICE. Every day. To change our priorities and start again. To think about what really matters and to focus on how we feel and how others feel and how we can be better together.

And I think that, when all of this is over because it will eventually be over, this is what we should keep.

The power of choosing what to think about and what meaning we give to what happens to us. We should start being more AWARE of all the things that we do unconsciously, automatically. Every day. And we should start to notice again those things, to be PRESENT while experiencing them. Because they are important. Because they are part of who we are and what we do.

Because now that we don't have them any more there's nothing we miss more than a hug, the smell of the other person next to yours, the feeling of being safe and protected, the feeling that everything will be ok. There's nothing we miss more than the fresh air on your face when you're baking to school at 7 am, and you're late and tired and free.

Because we only have one life, and we should have total control over what we do and how we experience it. On our thoughts and actions. We should be present for it all.

Thank you for staying with me today,
A virtual hug to you all,

Fennec Fox

P.S. How can I help?

In this moment of international emergency, there's a lot you can do: if you want to help concretely you can look for volunteering opportunities in your area or for hospitals or other centers that need fundings...any action is a step towards recovery, a step towards hugging each other again.

You can start being more present and aware of your actions, feelings, and everyday life: if you start working on yourself now, you can come out of this a better person.

For some inspirational speeches on this topic, I'll suggest you check out these links:

'This is water' David Foster Wallace speech 

How to deal with boredom?- Nathaniel Drew 

Mental clarity newsletter, Nathaniel Drew 

Trapped in Paris,alone- Nathaniel Drew 

 

ITA Blog#12: Today it smells like Freedom

Today it smells like freedom.

Don't get me wrong we're still in lockdown, we can't go anywhere. 

But this morning, when I opened my window to change the air in my room, there was something different in the air. 

No smog, no smell of bars or shops opening, no noise of busy cars...I mean ours was always a quiet neighborhood, but still, there was something...something new...

It smelled like the air at the beach house in the winter, or in an early morning summer day. Yes, it smelled like a summer morning, 6 am, you went to bed at 5 am because you were partying with your friends last night, but you set an alarm clock to go see the sunrise. 

So at 6 am the clock goes on, you manage to get some shoes, put a sweater on, grab the keys and you are out of the house. As soon as you step out the chilly air surrounds you, it's like a gentle 'wake up'....you look at your phone is 6:15, dammit! You look at your friend (just a look, cause you're still too tired to talk) and you start running (or you would miss the sunrise), you run through the sleeping city, the air gets faster and faster and your muscles hurt because they haven't woken up yet. 

You see an old lady riding her bike to the beach, this early so 'there is no crowed and the sun doesn't burn', you slow down so you don't disturb her morning. Then you keep running, you turn around and your friends are there running with you, smiling and laughing and the breeze brings you those sounds like they were new sounds and you feel so lucky all over again to have them in your life.

You cross the street and you arrive in the pinewood (between the town and the beach on the eastern coast of Italy we usually have pinewoods, planted in Roman times) and the smells change again: now it smells like trees and flowers and leaves and old wood...it smells like wildness and animals and nature... you keep running (slower otherwise the pine needles will hurt you through the flip flops you have on). 

You pass a guy jogging and a woman dressed up for work with her dog, then you see a tired mom with a stroller and a kid who isn't letting her sleep. 

And then....it's there. A new stronger wind salutes you: it's not annoying or too cold, it's just a strong confident wing, which brings you the smells of the sea. 

You are finally out of the trees and you see the see in the distance and the sun, who's trying to come out, you can already see a few of its rays stemming from the water. You rush to the beach, through the bar and kids play area, and you finally get there. 

You sit down on the cold and humid sand, you're still in your pajamas and the smells of your bed, the pinewood, and the sea all melt together. The salty air surrounds you as you keep following with your tired gaze the journaling of the sun...it detaches from the water and it keeps going higher and higher up....now your eyes hurt if you try to watch it, so you move away and you turn down to the sea...

 

You see a golden river running in the middle of the water, a gentle caress of the sun to the motherland, a 'Good morning' to the rivers, the seas, the lakes, a 'Thank you' for their daily work of lifting him up.

And you stay there, still half asleep, watching the mesmerizing movements of reflections on the watery surface.

You can feel your friends all around you, all astonished by the same magic, all looking at the same miracle, all embedded in the same moment...

And you just feel peaceful and quiet and...

A seagull moves his wings and sends you a new wave of air in your direction, you close your eyes and take it all in....and you understand that that air tastes like history, like the people who witnessed this miracle before you and the thousands of hundreds of people who will witness it after you...

Yes, the air smells like freedom today. 

Fennec Fox

P.S. Thank you soo much for riding, I just felt like sharing this little image I got in mind this morning as I opened the window, since most of us are stuck at home, it was a friendly reminder that we can still travel through time and space with our memories. 

Have a great day and stay safe <3